In the beginning...

Today is the beginning. I have taken the leap to move out of my protective covering and enter the real world. (Thanks to Phillip)I have been saying for years that I want to write the next great novel. Pheh! We all want to express ourselves, some a bit more than others, still its a gift to communicate. I work with children who have Autism and everyday I marvel at the small miracles that give these children their beginnings. None of us should ever take our ability to share and understand for granted.



After turning fifty last fall, buying my first house all by myself, and having the boys come home to live, "again", I find myself going through yet another metamorphosis. How many times do we really need to reinvent ourselves in one life time? I have left behind the stages of ; " I want to do," "I need to do" and I am now entering the "I really should" years.



The "I want to do"years were all about discovery. Actually finding out that you have a mind of your own and can make your own decisions and albeit your own mistakes. Its a time where we try on new parts of our personalities and give them validity or not. Or if they don't quite fit like those new jeans you "just had to have, " you put them away to try again later. It's just a process. Until the one day when you find you have things you " need to do, " responsibilities!



The "need to do years" creep up on you. It starts out with a job, then a car and then a partner and then kids. The "need to do's" are huge when you have kids. It seems to me that the self in the "need to do years" is relegated to the back of the line, where we just never seem to catch up. The "need to do years" are about doing for others, but in a way doing for ourselves as we take pride in the accomplishments we gather, and pride in developing and shaping young impressionable minds. That may also include your partners depending on how he was raised. It is also the time when the years are beginning to pick up speed. Time is measured now by things like school calendars, and immunizations, and pay cheques. We begin to live in the future waiting for the the "next..."



And then, as heart wrenching painful and manic as when kids arrive in your life they take flight and they don't need you like you need them. Now it's time for the "I should do years."



So here I am, in the "should do years," with the kids back home and I love it! Still, I am trying to figure out what it is that I should do. The list is so long. I figure I have maybe 20 good years left and then I will be in the "need care" section of my life.



I recently had my parents over for a five week visit. It was monumental. They are hard working people who have a strong independent streak. The usual tenacity of the Scot in them and the Presbyterian morals that are rock solid. However in their hard work they have worked themselves to the bone. In their early seventies, their bodies are just not what they used to be. My father had had a couple of strokes and my mother is battling bladder cancer. Neither complain and love and cherish each other. The difference of my independent mother and dependent father was shocking to me. These people have always been strong and sure. While for the most part that is present for my mother, it is transient in my fathers day to day life. The fragility of their lives made me hit face on my own mortality. So, my " should do years " are filling up with should do's.



I should take better care of my health, I have no more excuses to put anyone else first. I should save for the rainy day that seems just over the horizon. I should exercise more it will help me and the dog. I should commit to my house and get on with the minor renovations that need doing. I should get connected to other interests outside work which consumes at least 10 hours of my day. I should plan to: travel more, visit family, fill photo albums, read for pleasure any time not just for ten head nodding minutes before I fall asleep , have dinner parties, take a wine tasting course, ( In another life I would be a somalier.) make some new friends, start painting again and really write that novel. But my mind is plagued with other " should do's". Perhaps this list is more of a question rather than a list. Should I go home to care for my parents? Should I stay and wait for grandchildren? Should I just live day to day without expectation? and should I be a better person, giving more to my community? Some how my "should's" collide.



It all comes down to this. I am fifty chronologically, but feel thirty five. My children are my children, but they are also my peers, friends and critics. I am enjoying their company they have grown to be wonderful human beings, just beginning their " need to do " phase of their lives. The "change of life" cycle I am in isn't just the hair falling out, gravity grabbing, hormonal jack in the box, insomniac, bladder control issued memory loss fog of day to day living. It is the emotional recollection of my life and reaching out to have new positive experiences. Trying to do it with grace and purpose while confronting no regrets.