Ramblings of a girly girl.

I know, it is a strange title, but today I discovered that for all the equal rights and independence I have I also want to be a woman, a girly girl! Really, I have tried for years to be practical and not indulgent but having lunch today with a colleague we both shared an "ah ha" moment.

So there we were, two fiftish women with really only work in common but something drew us together. I discovered that we had children of a similar age with similar temperaments and interests. The chat started at work and moved on to family and for a while local events. It was interesting to discover that we had come from similar roots. We were both feeling the stress of a job that fed the personality trait of doing more for someone, always being the giver, in a setting that had unrealistic expectations of how to do the job and look after ourselves in the process. Curious though, we both never seemed to change our behaviour.

We were enjoying lunch at a wonderful restaurant, "Blumen "in Picton, the setting of another world and despite the soggy prospect of rain the place totally charmed us. So much so we indulged in desert, or was it the chat?

We were able to sit out in the gazebo, the balmy breeze spread warm air through the structure. The humidity just enough to keep summer in mind while the eyes feasted on the rusty oranges and reds of the fall. the garden setting beyond the building was reminiscent of an English country garden and I smiled contentedly as I breathed in my surrounding.

As we began to share a bit more about our lives the dialogue focused briefly on our own self esteem. That being a bit of a risky topic for a new friendship we kept it light. Then she said something so profound I felt my eyes bulge and I laughed out loud! She said; " You know I was asked recently what I do for myself, and you know I could not think of one thing. It is strange how we loose sight of doing things for ourselves. Sometimes I see and hear women who have families talk about their shopping and their hair appointments and their diets and gym memberships and they look put together and I think " how dare you take care of yourself while you have a family! " Then I realise I don't hate them I just wish could put me in the mix and feel good about that."

I high fived her and told her I know exactly what she means. Neither of us actually resents these women, we resent ourselves for not putting us first when it is our turn. We bleated on a bit more and then our lunch arrived, and so the topic moved to food and great experiences about food. My colleague then shared a bit about her daughter who had just come back from a university experience in Britain. Her daughter felt she missed the life style there and how spontaneous people were as they seemed to live in the moment. Since I was a former Brit, I felt I had to comment on that. I agreed with her daughter and I quietly reflected in my head on how over the years I had become less spontaneous. The next thing I know my brain has been hijacked and I am sharing with her my "spontaneous " visit to the city a couple of weekends ago. I told her how I struggled with the just going and being in the moment with my old friend. And this is where it gets good, she says; " well if your friend had just called and said "I need you," you would never have thought twice, but because it was about you having fun you stopped in your tracks to evaluate." It was certainly a light bulb moment for me. Even at 50 I am still evaluating and measuring everything I do in terms of how this will affect others. I am still struggling with putting me first. I know while she was dispensing advice for me the same light bulb was shining brightly in her head. I do believe at that moment we decided on desert.

So after the milk chocolate cheese cake and the stewed plum strudel with creme Anglaise we decided that we needed to book one of these enlightening lunches once a month. As we paid our bill we cooed and smiled and said thank you while wafting accolades everywhere about the wonderful lunch. We said our goodbyes and moved on into the rest of our day.

As I drove back to the office almost 40 minutes away, I had time to think about who I was growing up. Yes sure, strong and independent, but I was a ballet dancer who loved beautiful delicate things. I was a romantic who loved the sweeping off her feet kinds of experiences, doing things spontaneously, I liked being pretty and dressing well and loved , loved , loved my shoes!! I loved going to restaurants the fine dinning kinds, the limousines and glamorous life. Where did it all go? Well I could pay a shrink for a long time figuring it out, so I am not going to do that, but take that money and buy perfume, a yellow couch, new stilettos and frilly underwear so what if no one ever sees it I will know I am wearing it!

Today's shoulds are about taking more time, more solitude to rediscover who I am and nurture the frilly side of me, while balancing with the practical woman I have become.